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The Important Stuff
Age:20
Weight: 140
Heighest Weight: 165
Lowest Weight: 115
Current Weight: 140
Goal Weight : 99
Fave food : Chocolate
Fave Drink : Red Wine
Fave Exercise : Running
Thinspo : Kira Knightly
Where do you slip up?At Home (with my parents)
When did it start?About a year ago
Why did it start?I broke down
Does Anyone know?Yes
Do you want help?No
Diet pills?Haven't tried any
fave binge food:Chocolate
Fave dieting food:nothing really - but if i must diet coke (i no its not food - but thats what i do!)
How many cals do you consume a day?about 300-400
What tips do you use to lose weight?fasting, loads of exercise, drinking lots of water, and tea
What do you see when you look in the mirror?Fat
Are you in a relationship?Kind of - its just beginning
If so, Do they pressure you to be thin?Not really - like i said its just starting out
Are you the fat or thin one out of your friends?the fat one
Are you depressed?Yes
Do you self harm?yes
Ever tried to commit suicide?yes
Ever been to a psychologist??yes
Fave song?affirmation, savage garden

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I can't do this anymore, I can't. I just want OUT.

That's it - I'm gone.
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I need help. I can't sleep. I need to talk. What about - who knows. I don't no why i'm so fucked up at the moment. Haven't seen my case worker for about 6 weeks. He never phoned back. Now how am I suppose to go back?. I actually want help (for the first time in a while). Why is it when you want it - you don't get it. And when you don't want it you get it. (if you understand that). Sorry for ranting. Need to understand whats happening to me. Whats going on?. Why me?. Please help.

(P.S. sorry if you see this more than once - i've cross posted it)
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28th July 2006 @ 20:00

Today has been a really shit day. All I seem to be writing about lately is how shit everyday is and I always follow it with the same sentence - which is I don't know why. My days are spinning out of control and I don't know how to cope anymore. I stopped taking my medication (which is probably the reason behind all of this) as I couldn't afford to keep buying them and the comments I was getting from my parents about them wasn't helping my situation - so I couldn't even ask them to pick them up for me. I don't know why I'm always trying to please them - as thats never going to happen. I need to learn to stand up for myself against them - which I am trying - but it becomes hard when they constantly undermine me, lower my self-esteem even more by making me feel unwelcome, unloved and not worthy for anything.

I don't know why I'm still taking this crap from them - there obviously not interested in help me or supporting me, so I think I have definitely done the right thing by just leaving the house without telling them - although if I had told them then maybe I wouldn't have bad abuse thrown at me down the phone when they had realised that I'd taken all my stuff and gone. But then again what right have they got to treat and speak to me like that. They just make me feel totally worthless and so then within myself I keep telling myself I'm not worth the bother, no-one wants to deal with me and my problems, so why continue with the pretence that I'm fine, and really happy with my life.

Some days are bearable if I wake up with a hangover from drinking too much as that way the pain from that helps to cover up the pain I'm feeling from everything else in my life. I suppose me drinking is another way of 'SI'ing myself. But in all honesty the only thing I want to do with my life is to end it. I just can't deal with being an outsider anymore. If I'm not welcome in the world by the people around me then why should I stay. I'm trying really hard to develop my faith hoping that maybe someday the answers I need will be there - but I just can't seem to do it - I go to mass every week with an open mind to whatever is going to happen and I feel nothing - half the time I don't even really understand whats going on around me. I really need to understand whats going on in my life - as without understanding it how can I be able to help myself.

I want to find the strength to be able to open up to just one person and talk about all of this without judgment. And its not as if I don't have people around me life that - I do - but I can never find the source/courage within myself to open up. I received a text message today that I had been waiting for, for a while now and it was telling me that basically the people who run a 'summer camp' (that I was suppose to be helping out at this coming week) thought I shouldn't go and maybe go next year if I was better. I was livid when I read it how am I suppose to get my eating under control and normal when I'm not allowed to do normal things.

Actually I don't know why I'm so annoyed as I was unable to go anyway because now I'm working so its kind have all worked out for the best - but I kind have wished it had been on my terms. Right at this moment in time all I want to do is too cry my eyes out and get all this pent up emotion out of me - but I can't and at times it can be really frustrating - I just don't no what to do with myself. My final thought of tonight is that I want to die and in fact i nearly went through with it about four hours ago - obviously I didn't or I wouldn't be writing this now.

Anyway for now thats it.
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DisorderYour Score
Major Depression:Extremely High
Dysthymia:High
Bipolar Disorder:Slight
Cyclothymia:Slight-Moderate
Seasonal Affective Disorder:Slight-Moderate
Postpartum Depression:N/A
Take the Depression Test
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(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

I miss somebody right now. × I don't watch much TV these days. × I own lots of books.
I wear glasses or contact lenses. I love to play video games. I've tried marijuana.
× I've watched porn movies. × I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. × I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
I curse sometimes. × I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
it goes on...Collapse )
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Second post of the night I must be going mad!!

During my trip to Lourdes; which I talked about in m earlier, I met some fantastic friends!

They all know who they are but I'll name them anyway:

Sarah: For being so relaxed and approchable, allowing me to talk when I needed to with no pressure - and for also looking after me on the coach - What a LEGAND!!!

Claire: For being Claire! - With her friendly face and great personallity - I could never not smile when around her!

Sophie, Yan, Matt, Nat and Chris: All for just being fantastic leaders!

Kate and Katie: For being the best room mates I could have asked for! - I learned alot about myself from you guys and about you too!

And Stuart, Nick, Jack, John, Elie, Niall, Joe, Henry, Joe, Danielle, Jenny, Shaun, Emily, Peter, Jessica, Hannah, Jason, Joe, Emma, Diane, Jeremy, Tim, Lydia and Kat it would not have been the same week without getting to know all these people - and I am very privaliged to have met them and spent many hours with them all.
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Ok so the beginning of this entry is going to be most of the stuff I wrote about in Lourdes; for those of you who do not know - I spent the whole of last week in Lourdes.

So its the second day of being in Lourders and I have to say its been pretty eventful!!. On the journey down I had a huge panic attack - which then led to an asthma attack - it was horrible - don't even know what happened to make it happen really - other than the fact I wasn't feeling great.

Well anyway onto today - its been really hot - which was really nice - but with not eating properly its starting to make me feel really poorly. I'm trying really really hard to eat proper amounts of food - like a normal person would - but I can't - and don't partically want to either. I'm happy with not eating. I feel that it's apart of who I am. I feel so bad for everyone - there so happy to be here and they seem to know why their here and the like - but I don't. I feel so out of place - and don't know what I'm doing here - apart from trying to sort myself out - but in trying to do this I feel so selfish and regreatful that I've taken up a place on this trip when someone more worthy could have taken my place.

I just don't want to be "here" (not just Lourdes; but on earth in general)


That was just a small amount of what I wrote during that week, I won't bother typing it all up - I'll just leave it at that and continue with my update.

Thursday 8th June 2006

Since arriving back in plymouth last saturday - things have been really weird; its like I'm living outside of me and I'm just watching it all happen and have no control over anything. The only thing I really have control over is my eating - but even that lately has become uncontrolable to an extent - there have been some days where I've just totally bindged on food for hours without stopping - which then led to being sick; as I've eaten far to much for my body to cope with - there have been some ocassions where I've made myself sick - but other times has just kinda been natural.

Don't really know what else to write really - I don't feel anything at the moment and am really struggling with keeping my writing up becuase of this. How can I write about how I am, and what I'm feeling/thinking - when all I feel is emptyness, and the like.
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Thats it ...

... its finally gone out of me ...

... i'm giving up the fight ...

... there's nothing left to do ...

... its all over ...

... now its just a wait and see job ...

... the end
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Regarding my previous post that contained two links to pro-suicide websites and the comment i left for someone who had replyed.

I feel like i have no other answer than do take my own life right now - and i no its probably not the answer - but it is for me at this point in time - although there are things that are making it extremly hard to carry out - in 2 weeks i have to go to lordures (or how ever its spelt) and its been totally paid for and everything by my parish preist and i do not want to see him wasting his money - so i feel i have to go - also i'm supposed to be running a summer camp this summer and i just dont seem to be able to say no to people - which maybe is a good way to keep me alive right now - as if ive agreed to something i cant not turn up as its apart of my obession! - but on the other hand i cant handle doing any of the things i have said im goign to do - i find it hard enough to cope just on a day to day thing at the momoent - dont no what else to write really.
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